Ptah's note: Now for something completely different!  Anay, the authoress of numerous Cybersix and Gundam Wing fanfictions, wrote the following as a Christmas present for me.  We worked together a little to get Dr. Zack's reaction right, and here it is.  It's written from the point of view of Anay's Fan character, Quaren (Rev. 2).  Thanks, #2 SID (Surrogate Internet Daughter)!

I HATE Saran Wrap!
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I glanced up at the townhouse. It LOOKED innocent enough. But Father had said that it was heavily guarded. “Yeah, so the old farts a paranoid genius. Why do I gotta waste my time with this again?” I grumbled. I was NOT happy about this half-baked assignment. So Von Reichter was worried about the old guy, big deal. What threat could he possibly have? Anyway, I figured I might as well get it over with. Keeping father’s warning in mind, I walked up the steps, looking casual, but actually on alert. Ringing the bell, I crossed my arms, and putting my hands closer to the gun.

Dr. Anthony Zacharias opened the door and smiled kindly at me. I felt sick.

“Yes Miss?” He asked. Not wasting time on chitchat, I had pulled out the gun, twirled in my hand for flair, then pointed it at him.

“Shut up.” I said, glancing over him. He looked like no more then a kindly mild aged man. Von Reichter was afraid of THAT? I smirked. “He was worried about YOU?” In a lightning fast move I reached out and twisted his arm behind his back, it was kind of stiff though, and was muttering something...

“who sent you?” He finally growled out, but not TOO offensively, I did have a gun to his head after all.

“You’ll see. C'mon.” I started to drag him down the steps to the van I’d come in, but then something happened. There was the roaring off to the side and next thing I know there’s a-get this- LAWNMOWER careening straight at me! Well I rolled to the side pretty quickly, but the damn thing turned and kept going at me. I jumped into the air in a perfect mid air summersault and landed on the seat of the mower. Sitting down I ripped open the top of it, revealing an engine and I reached into it, snapping a wire or two until the stupid thing came to a stop. Glaring at the offensive piece of junk as I climbed off, I let my attention go back to the Doctor. And I swear I nearly fell over.

He had on a ski mask...and...Thermal underwear? He looked absolutely ridiculous. I couldn’t suppress a laugh. I let myself become a grey and black blur as I ran foreword at top speed, ducking behind him to kick him down in the back, but my kick didn’t connect...or...something and I fell over backwards.

“Oof!” I grunted as I landed hard on my rear. In my millisecond of being off guard, he gained a lot of strength and soon had me held tight from behind with a knife at my throat. It wasn’t fair. I spun around, breaking free with waaay more effort then I should of had to use. Stupid old guy wasn’t supposed to be so strong! There are RULES, and rules state that humans are NOT aloud to be stronger then I. It was an outrage.

So anyway, I tried to punch him, but my punch just...stopped. Like punching a brick wall or something, the guy didn’t even stumble!! I backed away pretty quick. Looking him over, I tried to see how he did it. He was in a defensive stance, and was holding a gun.

Shit.

I dropped my gun in the rush to escape the lawnmower. Well, I’ve dodged bullets before, might as well do it again. I took a defensive stance, rocking on the balls of my toes, ready to jump and leap and dodge. But he just...looked at me funny. Finally, I figured he might not shoot me and decided to go for it. I ran forward and tried to get a punch in, but again with the brick wall trick. At this point, a gun from the top of the house started shooting at me, I dived out of the way but I messed up the leap. I slammed into the wall and slumped down to the ground. Ow. That one hurt.

Jumping up, I brushed myself off and reached down to my boot and pulled out my most prized possession. My dagger. The handle is black and has perfect black diamonds on it. RARE and EXPENSIVE. The blade is wicked sharp, can cut though just about anything. Father gave it to me, saying it was a black beauty, just like I’m his ’Angel Of Death’. That’s cos people say my hair looks angelic and because I kill things quite well. Huh. Black beauty and The Angel of Death. Anyway, I pulled out my dagger and jumped up into the air.

I spun in mid air, like a trapeze artist or something and landed behind him, I tried slashing at his face but he turned and fired that blasted gun. I tried spinning to the side but I still got a bullet in the arm. Not fair, not fair, NOT fair. He has to be a good shot too? SOMEONE was going to hurt for this injustice...and at that moment it was me.

I tumbled to ground, grabbing my arm. He was on me suddenly, gun at my head and a fierce look in his eyes. I glared up at him, and he seemed to get a good look at me. A strand of hair was in my face so I blew up on it to get it out of the way. He smiled then. Again I state that this whole situation is NOT fair. He has to be fast, strong, unhitable, a good shot and now he gets to mock me? Someone is gonna die for this. I swear. I might just knock Jose around a bit. It’s HIS town, he should keep old farts like this in line!...Oh wait, that was my job wasn’t it? Damn.

“Quit smiling at me and shoot me already!” I ground out, beyond annoyed and right into seriously pissed off. I was about to be finished off by some paranoid high school teacher! Why me?

“What...your arm. That substance....” He was then staring at my arm in wonder. I glanced down. I was bleeding pretty badly. But not blood. No, I don’t have blood. I bleed sustenance. I realized my cargos were getting burnt up. Dammit. It won’t burn my skin, Von Reichter fixed that a long time ago, but my clothes weren’t acid proof.

“Aww shit.” I muttered, holding my arm out to get most of the sustenance to drip onto the grass. I winced. It hurt, hell it hurt.

“Here, come inside...” he said absently. “We’ll take a look at that arm.” I was kind of dizzy at that moment, so much bleeding and all. All I could do was nod numbly, I guess I wasn’t thinking too clearly.

I followed him up the steps, and suddenly the cement seem to gain a life of it’s own, ad was suddenly rushing at me at high speed. My list of complaints just got longer. Cement stairs were NOT allowed to attack too. Not fair, not fair, not--

.......

Everything came back slowly. Smell, taste, hearing, feeling (oww...okay, serious migraine now, the numbness looked more and more appealing), and finally, sight. I opened my eyes and realised I was lying on a table or something, with these straps of strange material holding me down. The good doctor was sitting over me. I was about break free but he raised a hand.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He said. I rolled my eyes.

“And why not exactly?”

“Those are quantum wave suit threads. Set at 100%. If you move they’ll slice your limbs apart.” He seemed a slight bit smug.

I digested this information. He could be bluffing. Tensely I let on finger raise up and push against the quantum thingies.

SHIT! Damn that stung. And it was cold as hell. Folding my hand into a fist so my abused finger was covered and hidden away beneath my hand, I leaned back my heed and sighed heavily. I could smell burning fabric. My finger was bleeding. Probably burning my cargo’s even more. WONDERFUL. Of course more holes in my clothes is EXACTLY what I needed at that moment. Well, even though my shattered pride is lying in pitiful pieces on the floor, my faithful sarcasm hasn’t deserted me. Yet.

And of course, on top of all that I had the WORST headache and was getting kinda woozy. Too much sustenance loss. And my throat hurt. Again. I tried my hardest not to couch, because that might jolt me against the bonds and I was in enough pain as it is. But, alas my body betrayed me again and started hacking. It wasn't too bad, but I did jolt against the bonds once...ow!
Fuck. Shit. OW!! kuso, shimmatta... shaisa..I'm swearing in 3 different languages, yay me....owowowowowowowowowow!!!!!

"Sheiss!" He cursed in German. He reached down under the table and did something. The threads broke, but I wasn’t thinking about carrying out my mission! I was lacerated very badly, bleeding and hurting like hell.

He pulled on some rubber gloves and, get this, pulls out a carton of SARAN WRAP! I kid you not! How the hell did he know that Saran Wrap's one of the few household items that DOESN'T react to sustenance?

Well, he started wrapping me up in saran wrap. I was still hurting awful, but cooperated as best I could, coughing and rolling over when he told me to.

"Okay miss. I think we've stopped the bleeding for the moment." He said finally.

(c) 2002 by Genesis Seidelman

I looked at him for a moment and then glared at him. "Pervert!" I spat at him, The old man was just staring at my chest!!

Did I mention this entire situation is NOT FAIR?! I think I might just faint again from the injustice of it all.

I tried to turn away but I was feeling really woozy. I groaned slightly and sunk lower in the tub. I needed a transfusion... I tried to say that, I wasn't sure if I was really saying it because darkness was coming again... what a way to die. Naked and tangled in in saran wrap.

I think moaned. The world was spinning around too fast for comfort. Sorta like the vertigo chamber, where they spin you around in a chair for 20 minutes in the centre of a circular steel chamber designed to catch your vomit.

Slowly, far too slowly, everything came to a stop. I glanced around. An IV with dirty looking sustenance is dripping into my arm, and I've got a blanket over me.

"Ah, you're up." I glanced to the side. He was standing there smoking a pipe. Disgusted, I turned away.

"I've forgone the quantum thread in favour of the saran wrap. You tear it, you bleed to death." He glanced up at the IV, "I didn't know what else was mixed in with it, and it doesn't seem to be the same kind of sustenance I'm familiar with, so I took the liberty of recycling what you lost. I don't think there's going to be a problem with infection. I've also verified you don't have any leaks or internal bleeding." He emitted a puff, "Yet." He added as an afterthought, patting the gun on his lap.

A 22. I was winged by an old guy with a punky, farm-kid, squirrel gun sized 22?!

Sighing heavily I lay back. "Father is going to kill me anyway..." I mumbled.

He chuckled, "Yes, he might at that."

(c) 2002 by Genesis Seidelman

Sounds came from upstairs, then the sound of a door above and to the right of me banging against a wall. Someone was coming down the stairs. Oh great! More humiliation! I closed my eyes and wished I was someplace else. Anywhere. Even in Jose's mansion, getting ribbed by the stunted twerp.

"Oh! Is it time now?" Dr. Zack remarked to someone, "I'm rather busy right now. I have a guest that's tried to kill me, if you must know."

“I didn’t try to kill you.” I mumbled weakly.

The table I was on shook with two blows one on either side of my head. A gust of hot breath, smelling of raw meat, hit my face.

No. Please don't let it be...

I opened my eyes and looked up.

Crap. Data-7.

Shiiiit... I swear if cats could laugh he'd be in hysterics. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! And it doesn't help that he just... STARED at me... Uhg. I wanted to die.

So he walks over to Dr. Zack and gives him the most incredulous look. Knowing the old man wouldn't understand I spoke up, "He wants to know if I'm on the menu." I laughed bitterly.

"Well, what will it be? Her or the filet mignons?"

Data 7 looks at me, then at him, then dashes back to the table, grabs the blanket, and runs off with it.

"DATA-7!" The old guy goes after him. I can't see very well from where I'm at, but I can hear tables and chairs turning over, as well as a computer monitor popping. I know the sound, having put my fist through one when Jose hacked up Windows NT on my machine to hurl insults at me and scrub my disk.

"OWWWW!"

"Mmmmrrrtttt?"

Dr. Zack comes back with the blanket, now with three tears in it, and covers me back up. Sporting a big cut on his head, "Stupid cat.." He muttered.

"Yeah, a big pain in the ass, I can tell you." I replied. Old Geezer deserved it.

He goes off to get a bandage. Data 7 comes up and sets his big hairy head next to mine on the table so that his hot, stinking breath blows into my ear.

I hate cats.

"Data7 get your stinky fish breath OUT OF MY EAR!!" I finally shouted. Which made me cough. Which made him breath out harder and it stunk. It really did. I closed my eyes, and stopped using my nose. On instinct I'll breath softly just so I can smell my surroundings, but lucky me I don't need to breath, so smelling is optional. I think the good doctor noticed this and freaked out because all of a sudden he was shaking my arms. Hello! Flesh wound here! Chance of bleeding to death! "Cut it out!" I snapped. "Are you TRYING to reopen the fucking wound? ...And would you PLEASE Give me my knife so I can KILL that stupid animal?!"

"Knife?"

"You DID save my knife...right?" My eyes snapped open and I sat straight up. It hurt, but I can deal with pain. The blanket fell down but I wasn't worried about that either. "Black dagger, diamonds? I swear if you let it burn I will rip you into tiny pieces!"

"Burn? Sustenance doesn't burn metals." he said, "The belief that it's an acid is founded only on the reaction it has on..."

"GIMMIE MY FUCKING KNIFE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

There's a pause. Then a weird sound. We both look around, and there's Data 7 on the ground, rolling on his back, acting as if he's hacking up a hair ball.

"Great, first you, now him!" Dr. Zack was looking frazzled.

I fell back on the table, "The damn pussy cat's laughing, I think. Will you pleeeeze get me my oh-so-precious knife?" I asked, desperately deciding to try sugar instead of battery acid.

He looked at me, shrugged, and went out of the room. Data 7 continued to hack for a few more minutes. Maybe the panther from hell is actually gagging on a hairball. Nah. My luck couldn't possibly be improving.

"Quite unharmed, as I thought!" Dr. Zack came back, "Oh my! It IS a beaut!" He exclaimed.

I snatched my Black Beauty before he had finished talking, it was awkward, since my arms were bound beside by sides but I did it and looked it over as best I could. It WAS unharmed, a little sticky with green gunk, but okay. Time to be relieved.

"Now I have a few questions.” he said. Wonderful. “Why did you try to assassinate me?" He shook his head, "What a waste of genius, using you as a killer! Your body seems to have been custom built, and runs almost entirely on sustenance! If Von Reichter couldn't get three Nobel prizes out of that feat alone, then they're brain dead in Stockholm!"

I sighed heavily. "I did not try to assassinate you!!" I said, "Assassination and kidnap are two completely different things."

"Well, I assumed you didn't want a bloody body in the way while ransacking my house!" He replied. He frowned, as if thinking, "So what does Von Richter want with me?" He asked, putting his gun away, "I'm just a lowly high school teacher." That’s a laugh.

I snorted. "A lowly high school teacher with a top of the line security system with a psycho lawnmower, an IV, knows about sustenance, is friends with data 7, who you'd have to be completely insane to achieve friendship with anyway, military level gunmanship, thermal underwear...thingies and a townhouse. All on a teachers salary. Riiiight." I rolled my eyes. "And why the hell would I ran sack this dump? I have better things to do then rob a house."

"Ah! He didn't tell you then?" He chuckled. “When you get home tell him Data 7 arrived at the last minute, and that if he wants those three Nobel prizes, to meet me at the McDonald's around the corner from Meridiana High School so that I can spell it out for him. He shouldn't be hard for me to miss with a shnozz the size of a carrot. Or so I've been told."

I just glared at him and turned away.

“You should rest.” he said suddenly. He left the room. Tired and drained, I fell asleep.

...

Falling asleep was SUCH a bad idea!! He must of givien me a shot or something because when I woke up, I was hanging upside down in front of Jose’s mansion. hanging from a TREE!! It was dark out... yeah. if I slept through that I must of been drugged. Sighing I realized I was still naked and wrapped in saran wrap.

I felt awful. Humiliated and cold, my chest felt strange, and after a moment I realised I was crying. I had disgraced Von Richter’s name and my own reputation. I had failed; I deserved death for that. Clamping my mouth shut I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to stop the tears from running from my eyes, but I couldn’t stop the shaking. A human had bested me.

I stayed like that all night. In the morning, a fixed idea found me. I only had one thing to say to his hysterical laughter.

“Here I hang
From a tree
with an urge
to be Free

As you see
as I dangle
I got a job
I couldn't handle

Beat in a fight
with Dr. Zack,
on whom I wish
a heart attack!

Bound in Saran
Here I sway
Wishing like hell
I was far away!

So quit your laughing
you witless clown!
Get off your ass,
AND CUT ME DOWN!”

~owari~

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Again, Thanks for the Christmas Present, Anay!

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