"Cybersix not here." The Fixed Idea said with concern.

The cyber started, then blushed a bit as she looked wryly at him, "I’m sorry 88. My mind was. Elsewhere. I’m sorry, but could you please reread that last page?"

Normally, a Fixed Idea would have been obstinate, but 88 took it in stride. He turned the page back and started from the top of the page while Cybersix pulled herself away from her problems to listen.

When 88 left, Cybersix sighed and put her head in her hands, "Damn. Now I’m losing it in the classroom too!" she thought bitterly, "What the hell am I?"

Because the rescue mission had been led by a cyber, and due to the (thankfully minor) injuries suffered by Cyberdragon, the Cyber Training Review Board stepped in and started an inquiry. In deference to the board, Von Richter thanked the entire group in general terms before turning Type 37 over to the tender care of a cyber Drill Instructor to work off 30 pounds in three days. Otherwise, he reasoned with obviously delighted malice, his explanation of escaping on his own when the prisoners made a jailbreak and making his way back to civilization through the jungle would not hold water.

The board of cyber trainers explained that the inquiry was necessary to learn from the mistakes of others. The other cybers had to be told what wouldn’t work. The significance of that statement escaped nobody’s notice.

Because of her lack of training with the equipment, they excused Cyberdragon’s rough handling of it that resulted in the communications breakdown. They commended her for following her mission orders not to communicate with the penetration team until told otherwise, and highly praised her quick thinking and brave action that took down the watchtower. This added even more to her new found confidence. However, they disregarded her insistence that she was to blame for the failure to initially detect the watchtower. They reminded her that she had not been trained in Reconnaissance techniques.

Jose beamed at their recognition that he, also, had obeyed his mission orders to the letter. Despite being able to hear everything happening due to the superior electronics in the walker, he stayed put and did not add to the confusion that was happening in the field. That he happened to be sitting on 4 missiles that would have proved very effective against the watchtower was duly noted. Employing them was a great temptation indeed, but would have aroused Cornazon’s suspicions and compromised the cloak of secrecy surrounding Von Richter’s entire operation. His restraint was commended, as was the design of the walker. One could tell that the board was very impressed.

"Well, there’s some hope for that boy yet." was what Von Richter reportedly had said with delight upon reading that finding in the report.

After reminding Terra that he was now Terra and no longer Tango, the board also commended his discipline in following the orders of the mission commander. They referred the exciting news of his seemingly rapid acquisition of the knowledge on how to handle and fire the AK-47s to Von Richter and the Technos for analysis. They hustled him out to the firing range immediately after he testified, but the final report was not expected for a few more days.

Based on Grizelda’s report, Kayla also received warm praise. They agreed with the mission commander that she be re-graded on Spying and Stealth, and jocularly warned Grizelda that Kayla might be the team leader next time. Her vital role in mission planning was also noted with approval, and she was invited to take Leadership training whenever she wanted. The invitation alone was regarded as a high honor among the Cybers, for only the most promising and the best were allowed to attend.

Grizelda, while praised for excellent decision making in the field and team leadership, was mildly rebuked for not establishing an "all clear" signal to tell the others when it was safe to communicate with them. She nodded in agreement with that assessment. It was also added to the training of several topics, and she was also invited to take Leadership training at her convenience.

To the dismay of the entire group, the board came down on Cybersix like a ton of bricks.

They found that she had failed to properly train Cyberdragon on the use of the communications equipment. In fact, her use of the Special for reconnaissance on the mission was openly criticized, sweeping aside the fact that father had told her to select a team of Specials. She should have known, they said, that he would have approved the use of an additional Cyber for reconnaissance if she had felt it necessary. They dismissed fact that her conversation with father led her to believe that no such Cyber was available, since they noted that there were other ways to accomplish the same end without an extra team member that she failed to consider.

They were not impressed with Terra’s positive testimony about her attempt to provide a diversion to give the penetration team a chance to escape. She should have had Terra shoot from the cover of the jungle they pointed out, rather than endanger herself. Worse yet, the incident showed that she had failed to take advantage of newly discovered capabilities in those under her command. This was inexcusable given the fact that those subordinates were all Specials, who were always monitored for such surprises as a matter of policy.

But all these would have been irrelevant if she had recognized the possibility that a watchtower was under the tree. She should either have performed the reconnaissance herself or directed the penetration team to check the situation out first. Reliance on Cyberdragon was uncalled for, given the existence of a cyber trained in reconnaissance on each team. They pointed out that the assumption that Cornazon was smart was overly broad, since she could have reasonably assumed that he would be very cautious instead, electing to have partial coverage rather than settle for no coverage at all. Which, in fact, was one of the principles that governed the security arrangements of all of Von Richter’s own installations.

To her credit, they highly approved of her selection of the team members, approved of the ingenious way Terra was employed, and did not fault the mission planning. Based on what they knew, they agreed that she and Kayla did an excellent job of planning the mission. Her failure was in not being aggressive enough to recognize the gaps in her tactical knowledge, nor in taking reasonable actions to fill in those gaps.

At these assessments, Cybersix could only lower her head in shame as they stripped her of her hard-earned Leadership ranking and directed that her failures be made the main subject of the next refresher training course for the cybers in the field, as well as incorporated into basic training courses. Different parts of the mission were added as a planning exercise to theTactics and Leadership courses.

"I should have gotten closer for a better look!" Cyberdragon complained as they gathered outside of the training building where the inquiry had taken place. She had suffered a few cuts on the skin covering her wing bones and a few tears in her sails, but they were healing far more quickly than expected. Half of her bandages had come off during the course of the inquiry.

"It was night and they had the lights off." Jose pointed out, "And if you’d gotten closer, they’d have seen you!" He turned and gave the building the finger, "Who do they think they are?" he fumed.

"20-20 Hindsight." Kayla shrugged, "What did you expect?"

"Yeah, but you’d think they’d wipe the crap off their stupid butts before using them to look with!" Grizelda complained, "I’d like to roll their damn report up into a nice tight tube and stuff it up their- Hey Six!"

But she had ignored their calls as she walked off, tears streaming down her cheeks in rivers.

"So what am I now?" she thought bitterly, blinking back her tears, "A leader stripped of their ranking is taken off the active list. They won’t let me enter any army in the world as a private! I can’t even keep my mind on my classes, so I’m failing as a teacher too!" She felt so disconnected, without any union with anything or anybody.

She felt so alone. Even during survival training, when she was out in the jungle by herself, she felt as if everyone back at the compound was rooting for her, pulling for her, cheering her on.

But not now.

Her mind went back to the web site that she had visited yesterday morning in the privacy of her office. She glanced at her terminal. "Perhaps I should…"

"Cybersix?"

She jerked her head around. It was Jose, looking at her with concern, "Hi Jose!" she greeted him, daubing at her face hastily.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" she said quickly, "What do you want?"

"Father wants to see you."

"He does?"

He nodded, "Better not keep him waiting!" he added.

"I'd just as soon not face him." She thought as she walked to the main residence. She avoid the garden and entered through a side door. Leaving her shoes at the side door, she walked up the side staircase and down the hall.

She stopped at the staircase and looked down to the first floor. Maria was at the front door, looking out to the garden, as if waiting for someone. Cybersix swallowed hard and turned away.

She also avoided eye contact with Quaren as she came to the door, and thus didn’t notice Quaren’s look of concern.

Quaren didn’t know whether to hug her, shake her, hit her, or kick her, in order to get her attention or shake her out of her funk. "Hell, I don’t have the faintest idea what she’s going through or what she’s feeling!" Quaren thought as she settled for opening the door instead.

Cybersix closed the door behind her, but stayed where she was, eyes on the floor.

"Come over here, my dear."

Silently, she walked over and sat down in the chair next to his desk, folding her hands on her lap, head bent.

"I've read the report of the Training Review Board," Von Richter said quietly, "Do you have anything to say about it?"

She shook her head, "No sir. I don't."

Pause. "You’re not going to appeal it?" he asked, surprised.

"No sir."

"And why not?" he asked, "The mission was a success. You recovered Type 37 and have kept Cornazon in the dark about us."

"Sir, I was the mission commander. The people who were under me were my responsibility. I'm supposed to protect, nuture, and improve them. I failed them. I failed to provide a safe escape route for Grizelda, Kayla, and Type 37. I failed to notice Terra's new skills so that I could use him effectively. I failed to properly train Cyberdragon so that I could have kept her from injuring herself while making up for my mistakes." She looked out the window, "I’ve failed them, plain and simple. Each and every one!" She turned her eyes to look at the report, "I know it, and my peers know it. They stripped me of my leadership rank, my active status, and my reputation among my brother and sister cybers by making me an example of what not to do on a mission!" She looked back out the window. She just couldn't look father in the eye.

"I think you're being too hard on yourself." Von Richter said, "How do you feel?"

"Disconnected. I don't feel a part of anything or anyone. I'm a cyber, but not a proper one. I feel so alone."

"Cut off because you've made grave mistakes?"

"Yes."

"Oh yes. I can understand that. It's hard to handle the judgment of your peers." Von Richter agreed, "May I tell you a story about mistakes? MY mistakes?"

Cybersix turned at a noise, and was startled to see that Maria had quietly entered the room and was standing behind her husband, looking at her sadly, as if feeling her pain. She'd put her hands on Von Richter's shoulders.

"May I?" Von Richter repeated.

Cybersix nodded.

"It was just before World War II, in that time of depression which allowed a madman to come to power in my country." Von Richter sighed, "I was young, idealistic, patriotic, ambitious, and full of energy, drive, and insight. I honestly thought all his talk about inferior races was just for the masses. The scientists knew better, and he was relying on us to build the future! I joined a laboratory near a work farm. Or so they told me."

He sighed, then turned his head and put a hand on one of Maria's, "Now Maria Schweitzer Von Richter was no fool! No indeed! She could see what was happening to the so-called inferior race. While I worked to establish the scientific foundation for a thousand year empire, your mother was helping the Jews and gypsies survive, and even escape. I was blind to the suffering of people whose gold teeth were being taken to finance a tyranny, their skin to make lampshades, and their bodies to make soap!"

He sighed, "I'll never forget the day Patton's army arrived, captured us, and liberated the concentration camp that I was told was a work farm! I walked through piles of the rotting bodies of those who had escaped the gas chambers and the furnaces built to destroy the evidence. I helped bury some of the dead. If it were not for the fact that the underground vouched for your mother, and she vouched for me, I'd probably have been tried for war crimes given the frenzy."

He looked at Cybersix soberly, "I, too, was condemned by my scientific peers and banned from their company. I knew my dreams and intentions for a better world were good. I had made the mistake of been misled by others, whose crimes were so great that my mistake was great also by association."

He shook his head at the memory, "I too, despite your mother, felt alone and cut off from everyone. I began to look with envy at those who, overcome by the enormity of the crime they had unwittingly supported, shot themselves when they returned home from burying the dead."

He smiled grimly when he noticed Cybersit sit up straighter in her chair, and continued, "I seriously thought about following their example, thinking that by doing so, I would be regarded with some small measure of respect as one truly repentant of his acts."

Maria spoke up "I then told him what one death camp prisoner told me. I had helped hide some of her family in the town, so I had her gratitude. She had heard of what the mayor and others had done, and overheard my concern that my husband would do the same."

"What did she say, my love?" Von Richter smiled and put his hand on one of hers.

"She said," And at this moment, Maria's voice took on an unmistakable Yiddish accent, "Oy! What is it with these people? Different problem, but the same solution? Ach! Same mistake!"

Von Richter nodded, "And she was right. Mine was a different problem. But I was going to solve it the same way that the Thousand Year Reich tried to solve the Jewish problem!" He pulled up his sleeve to look at the blue tattoo on it, "I had this done by the one who actually held the job at that concentration camp to number the condemned. It's her number, so that I would remember, and never forget, that some solutions are always mistakes."

Cybersix looked down at her own name tattooed on her own forearm.

"Cybersix, we pride ourselves in having an open society here. Very rarely do we censor anything." Von Richter said gently, "But sometimes, we need to know what our children are thinking, so that we can try to understand and answer the questions that, for some reason, they are fearful to ask us. I wish you had come to us and talked to us about your feelings. Can you blame us for being concerned when Kayla called us this morning and told us you had accessed the web site of the Hemlock Society numerous times?"

She closed her eyes, "I hurt so much and feel so ashamed. I just wanted it to stop."

"I don't know how to make it stop. Oh, there is a way to make it stop, but that's one solution that is always a mistake. Please, do not fling yourself into the night. Not with so many that yearn for your presence and care."

She looked at him, the twitch of a smile on her lips that could only mean, "Oh come on!"

Maria spoke, "What about the Fixed Ideas that you have taught to read? What of the technos and Fixed Ideas that attend your literature classes and with whom you shared the treasures you've found? I've seen the look of worry on their faces as they walk by, and the concern in their voice when I called them to me and asked why they were so anxious."

"I've had the Training Board members come by to talk about you." Von Richter said, "It is their job to make sure the Cybers are well trained. They had to remove your Leadership ranking to emphasize the seriousness of your intelligence gathering error to past, present, and future students. At the time, they were sure that they were doing the right thing, but they are frightened now. Frightened like a man who had accidentally injured his child, and can only now stand by helpless as they watch the life slip away from something that had been so alive just a few moments before."

"And have you forgotten the Specials on your mission? Each has talked of their concern for you to me. Kayla was in tears when she called me this morning. She was quite mad at you for a while, you know."

"She was?" Cybersix blinked.

"She thought Ninja training would help her never fear again. That is, until she saw that web site name next to your login name on so many lines on the alarm listing this morning."

"I-I'm sorry."

Von Richter smiled, "At least THAT problem was easily solved. I called her Sensei and talked to him about it. He said, 'A warrior who fears for his life cannot fight, but a warrior who does not fear for the life of nation, family, or friend will not fight. For he who loves and protects these cannot fail but to stay on the true path.'"

"And Jose!" He shook his head in amazement, "I've been so worried and concerned about Jose and all his contraptions. You gave him an opportunity to become part of something important, and it's changed him."

"It has?"

"Yes! He was very happy about how impressed the board was with the walker. He's now working with Cyberdragon to add some wing bone attachments to prevent the injuries she suffered. I don't know how long it will last," He added skeptically, "-but it's something, nonetheless, and you helped him. Of course he didn't say he was worried about you. I was quite amazed at the vocabulary he and Grizelda employed in declaring their opinions about the actions of the board."

"But Cyberdragon-"

"-Was injured. Yes. Minor injuries, and much, much less than she expected herself when she chose to do it. She told me she'd do it again, if necessary. She feels liberated, by the way. Her body is still human, though her skin is scaly. But she believes her wings have cyber bones in them, and she feels a kinship now with all the Cybers that she did not have before. She doesn't understand what all the fuss was about, but she's not pleased that you're not your normal self."

"And Terra?" Cybersix asked.

Von Richter looked very uncomfortable, "Well, ah. His shooting scores exactly match yours."

"Really?"

"Tell me, did you touch him during the firefight?" Von Richter asked.

"I couldn’t avoid touching him."

"Well, um, it appears that you and he have a sort of, um, a bond. Yes, a bond!"

"A bond." Cybersix repeated, "Between us."

"Umm, yes. I suggest you talk to him about it. He's quite insistent on it. My point is, it would be very unpleasant to him to have you break that bond."

"I-" She didn't know what to say.

"And what of us, child?" Maria came around from behind the chair to face her. She bent down and gently slipped her worn hands so that she was cradling Cybersix's jaw and cheeks with them, lifting her head so that Cybersix couldn't help but gaze into Maria's green eyes, "I love you and your father loves you. I'm sorry you don't feel it right now, but does that mean our love doesn't exist? With so many caring for you and worrying about you, how could you possibly be alone?"

"Oh mama-"

"You would break our hearts to believe otherwise. You are special. Special to us as well as to so many others!"

Maria let Cybersix cry on her shoulder for as long as she needed, patting her hair and rocking her slowly, sometimes kissing her cheek while she wept. Finally, still sniffing a little, Cybersix pulled away, tried to wipe her face, smiled wanly, glanced at Von Richter, then broke down again. She fell on her knees next to his chair and cried on his lap, clutching at his hands.

When she finally got control of herself, she realized that Maria had gotten down on the floor next to her, and was gently rubbing her back and shoulders. She smiled at her apologetically as she at her eyes, "I'm sorry I made everyone worry about me!" she confessed.

"You certainly did!" Von Richter said a bit severely, with a hint of a smile on his face, "That Amato assignment…"

"Oh, I'm ready to go to Meridiana for you, father!" Cybersix assured him in a rush of words.

"-can wait for a week or so." Von Richter finished. He glanced at Maria, "I'll leave her with you, as you wanted."

"Wha-?"

"Come on dear." Maria smiled, "Help me up."

Gently, Cybersix lifted her up with ease. Maria took her hand and wrapped her arm around her own.

"Oh, before you go, a few last things." Von Richter said.

"Yes, father?"

"Are you sure you won't appeal the report?"

"No." she said reluctantly, "I made mistakes that others shouldn't repeat. I'd like my leadership ranking back, of course. But if I appealed and won, I'd be undercutting the board's efforts, and that would be another mistake."

"Even if I told you that Cyberdragon's night vision rating is three times better than that of a Cyber's?"

Cybersix thought about that for a moment, then shook her head.

Von Richter nodded with satisfaction, "One last question. You said in your report that you were going to provide a diversion. I've seen your shooting scores. You could have killed them easily instead. Why didn't you?"

"Because, " she paused, "I didn't want to, of course." She glanced at Maria, "I had thought of Genesis just before the mission. It just didn't seem right."

"I see," He nodded again, "Thank you my dear. You should know that you've made me very proud of you."

"But I lost-" Cybersix started to say, then stopped. She glanced at Maria, then at Von Richter.

"Come on!" Maria playfully tugged on her arm, "You'll be staying here until you leave for Meridiana."

"But-" Cybersix started again.

"First, a nice, long hot soak in a tub for you! I've got this delightful bath oil mix that Marryn found for me-"

"Mama!" Cybersix protested.

"Hush! There's this coconut shampoo that doesn't work for me, but it should do wonders for your hair-"

"But mama!"

Von Richter smiled as the two left his office, Maria talking about a red dress that Cybersix just had to wear if she was going to eat with them at their table.

He reviewed their little conversation.

"You could have killed them easily. Why didn't you?"

"Because I didn't want to, of course. I had thought of Genesis just before the mission. It just didn't seem right."

"Yes. You'll do, Cybersix. You'll do nicely." He said to himself with satisfaction, "After all, I don't need a leadership ranking to run this little operation by myself either! But I'll have to see how you handle this Amato fellow first to be sure."

----

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Chapter 5